Dear Balmer Industries

Dear Balmer Industries,

Yesterday I was engaged in some boat violence peacekeeping activities in Arnstur and had occasion to rely on one of your products, namely one Balmer series tracking disruptor.

Upon tackling an Omen Navy issue in a frigate – something which I would normally hesitate to do I was promptly treated to a laser induced fiery death. Like seriously I went from 80% hull to pod here.

Your literature plainly states that if used according to the instruction manual and serviced once a year then the Balmer series tracking disruptor can reduce the chance of laser induced fiery death significantly.

I am worried that I may have been using a faulty piece of machinery here and would be happy to discuss compensation at your leisure.


Johnny Twelvebore, Capt



Dear Mr Twelvebore,

Our lawyers have looked at the circumstances surrounding your combustive de-pressurisation incident and note several things:

  1. You appear to be at negative ten security status and thus your claims of “peacekeeping activities” seem risible.

  2. As shown by the concord killmail, our product survived the incident and has been tested and found to be working perfectly, did you have it turned on?

  3. The fit of your ship would appear to be sub-optimal for any use and certainly for the purpose of tackling lethal faction cruisers in low security space.

  4. Your tactics in this situation appeared to be uncomfortably linear in approach and therefore not ideal for closing on above mentioned lethal faction cruiser, especially with an overheated microwarpdrive on.

At this stage we are happy that our product was working at the time of the combustive de-pressurisation incident and that user error was the likely cause.

Yours sincerely,

Balmer Industries.




Dear Balmer Industries,

Firstly it’s Captain Bloody Twelvebore mate, and the damn thing was not only turned on but overheating so much it was burning the duct tape holding it onto my ship. As was my MWD and yes perhaps I was going a bit straight at the bugger but that’s how we get things done in lowsec you pen pushing bureaucrat.

As for your assessment of the fit of HMS Bodgefit, I’ll have you know that that ship has been in my hangar for over a year gathering dust taking pride of place in my collection and I had only started flying it because I had nothing else wanted to proudly fly my flagship with my fellow scurvy misfits esteemed comrades.

Now how about standing behind this shoddy bit of gear and coughing up some cash eh?


CAPTAIN Johnny Twelvebore


Dear Captain Twelvebore,

Incidentally we can find no record of you ever holding the rank of Captain in any recognised Navy in New Eden (nor from the footage below do you have a ship) however Balmer Industries respect the wishes of their customers regarding nomenclature.

We have found some footage of the incident recorded from your own ship and recovered from the wreckage of “HMS Bodgefit” We trust this footage will speak for itself and consider the matter closed.

Yours Sincerely,

Balmer Industries.



Dear Balmer rip off merchants,

Disgraceful, clearly had the TD on the Omen, may have been a slight problem with the warrior 2’s chewing on my hull but I still think there’s a claim here. You will be hearing from my lawyers, Mssrs Shotgun, Bastard and Dribble.

Yours sincerely,

Johnny Twelvebore


2 thoughts on “Dear Balmer Industries

  1. Aiden Erkun says:

    Dear Captain Twelvebore

    We – the Customer Rights and Services Cooperative – have made it our mission to represent the interests of customers against the powerful megacorporations that exploit New Eden and it’s citizens.

    The attitude of the Balmer Industries customer service is exemplary for the arrogance of corporate service departments all over the cluster.

    Contrary to that offensive individual, we have no doubts about the legitimacy of your claim and would be happy to represent your interests in court against Balmer Industries if you become a member of our organisation.

    Please see the documents enclosed for further reference.

    Yours sincerely

    Aiden Erkun
    CRSC Low Security Case Department

  2. Eric Shang says:

    I’m shocked.

    You remembered to fraps?

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